Not to bash the E.V.
Not to bash the E.V. though. One of the E.R. Tech's, Max, asked me a number of questions about church. He is tall, handsome, and fairly intelligent. I told him I go to church in Oak Park, but then I told him there was a Vineyard in Evanston, too. His eyes *lit up* because he knew the Vineyard from the parade. He said, "they always had the most intricate floats," end quote. He grew up in Evanston.
He said he didn't think they were religious though. He thought is was a neighborhood since the word "community" is in the name.
told employer
I told my employer Tues. evening that I would be moving to CA in two months. actually, just the office manager. On Thurs. the doctor approached me, and he asked me if it was because of a man, and I said, "No." But he didn't believe me. He was, like, in denial, so he asked me again if it was because of a man, and again I told him "No."
In disbelief, he walked away and couple minutes later, he asked me *yet again* if it was because of a man, and again I told him that it wasn't. So, he asked me a total of 3x if it was because of a boyfriend, like he just didn't believe me that I could up and leave for another reason. I think that probably he had been discussing it with the other m.d.'s, and they had probably come to that conclusion.
It's really funny; it's like a soap opera where I work, seriously.
Sandy's answers
I posted this e-mail on my previous blog that I started June '04, but it doesn't exist anymore. Then I was reading a post on Pale City Stars, which reminded me of Sandy's answers, and I decided to post it on this blog.
I don't have everything figured out, but I thought this was wisdom beyond her years, as my friend is *four* years younger than me.
Hi Julia,
What is it like to be married... that's an interesting question, one I haven't
had to articulate in depth yet. I know that it is hard to believe. But being at
Middlebury last year and working with the students who knew both of us as
students,whenever I was asked, I gave the simple oh it's great answer. I don't
even know why, maybe because a lot of our friends/students were single and
seemingly anti dating or at least anti cute mushy stuff. I also felt like they
could not relate and did not really care for my in depth explanation of what it
really IS like to be married.
But I decided to think about your question and try to come up with a better
answer. Both of your benefit (I am assuming that since you asked, you want to
know more than "it's great" and for mine-- maybe this will force me to
categorize things and put them to words. So hopefully I won't lose you (or
myself) in my thoughts.
The bottom of the line is that it really is great. There are a ton of great
things about it ranging anywhere from the material (2 incomes, one rent, food
for 2 costs almost as much as food for 1...) through every day companionship (it
is nice to have someone to talk to, do stuff with, laugh with, mess aound
with...) to the spiritual and emotional (it's nice to know that there is
somebody who sees me every day and knows about my weird habits (and even thinks
that i am weird in some ways), but who despite all of that has decided to stay.
And not only that, who loves me for my weirdness. it's nice to share dreams and
plans about the future. it's nice to know with reasonable probability that I
won't be alone. And it is definitely nice to have somebody pray for me and
challenge me and point out ways in which I can be a better person. (well, the
last one is better once I actually do become a better person, it's not that
great to be told-- even in nice words-- that you are a jerk :-) )
Now, the above are all the things that pretty much everyone wants and hopes
for-- to be loved and accepted. But they don't always happen and in many cases
married people are way more miserable in the relationship than they would be
alone.
I think some reasons for that are found in people's personalities. We know this
couple who got married pretty much the same time we did and they always seem to
have little agruments and fights. They both love God and each other, but they
are both such strong personalities and perfectionists and need to have things
their way or be convinced that the other was is better that they always seem to
be "discussing" something. It can be anything from where to invest their money
to what size of garbage bag should be put inthe trash can. It would drive me
nuts, but they both seem to thrive in that.
We are lucky in that we are both pretty easy going, flexible people, we have
our things that we are tense about, but so far they have been different things
for both of us, so we have managed to calm each other down.Also, by getting
married right after school and by my family never having much money (and mike's
family having more money, but not spending it on stuff), we never had the
opportunity to get stuck in our own ways or have preconceptions of what the
"minimal standard" should be. Ie the fact that we still don't have a bed and are
sleeping just on a matrace and that most of our furniture comes from yard sales
genuinelly does not bother either one of us. Is also helps that we have not been
desparately strapped for money yet.
Anyway, I would say that the probably most impoirtant things are 1. having
realistic expectations, 2. Having faith in the other person, yourself and God
that things will work out and 3!!!!! communication.
By 1. I mean what a lot of pre marriage books told and and we find true--
marriage is not going to fix all your problems and is not going to change the
other person. Even before I started dating Mike I did a bunch of therapy to
figure out my life-- not for Mike, but for myself. And I felt like even before
we started dating I was a reasonably happy and confident person. not just
pretending to be confident, but confident in my own abilities and in who I was
in God. And that was huge, because I never had any expectations on Mike or the
relationship to make me happier and to give me whatever else.
2. It pretty self explanatory. You have to have faith, even whenyou are not
100% sure, you have tomake a decision and go with it. I could be asking a bunch
of what if.. questions. like what if I went to grads school and studied
politics. Could I have been happier.. maybe. But I did not, I made by choice and
by dwelling in the "what if land" I would only be misarable. And even when
things get tense (and they do in every relationship) it is important for us to
remember that God is in control that he did call us to go through life together
and that we are playing on the same team.
3.The probably the most important thing for us has been communication. All the
marriage books talk about it and it has been tru for us in practice as well. And
we have to keep reminding ourselves that we can't expect the other peron to read
our mind. In fact, pretty much the only time we have fought is when we weren't
talking about something and it just built up. I think it is a good lesson for
all relationships.
Let's see there are a few other things that we have been doing. Things like
keeping our own friends, making sure we have time alone, doing things together
with people as a couple and getting out of the house. All pretty general things,
but sometimes stuff you forget to do. Especially I do, because I naturally like
to be at home.
The probably hardest things in marriage (and this has been true for both of us)
is keeping out mquiet times and praying regularly. It came as a total surprise,
but it has been really hard. The only way I can explain it is that before it was
me and God alone a lot of the time. But now when Mike is around all the time, I
am more likely to talk to him and vent out my frustration to him than going to
God. We are both working on getting better, but that seems to be the only sort
of constant struggle.
Holy cow! I have just written a book about marriage. I'd better stop. I have no
idea if I answered you question and if you want to know anything more/specific,
please feel free to ask. (ready for the risk of reading another volume of my
thoughts ;-)
But to sum up, I think marriage is a great thing IF you are with ther right
person, are in it for the right reasons (often to give rather than to receive)
and if you are flexible (or allow God to relax you) to put up with another
person in your life.
How is life going for you?
Take care,
Sandy
Advice from Young Inmates we could probably all use
Brazelton interviewed inmates at a maximum security adolescent prison for a project, "Roadblocks to God's Plan in a Young Person's Life." She asked each inmate what would be their three biggest stumbling blocks to success if he were instantly released from prison. Her next question was, "What three suggestions do you have for getting past those stumbling blocks?" the following list was her summary of what they told her.
Principles for Living a Better Life: Advice From Young Inmates
1. Take one day at a time. Don't get ahead of yourself.
2. Identify distractions early, so you can eliminate them.
3. Think positively. Avoid negative people and influences. Better yet, find role models and mentors to help you along when things get tough.
4. Relax. Lighten up. Don't take yourself too seriously. Laugh more at yourself and with others. Have more good, clean fun.
5. Give to people much more than your receive from them.
6. Pray to God over each of your decisions, so you will learn to focus on the bigger picture of why you were born, rather than on your desires all the time. When you do find your
thing, get involved in it immediately. It will help you stay out of trouble.
7. Manage your time and money wisely. Get help on this as needed.
8. Reward yourself for small jobs well done. Congratulate yourself if you even come close to contributing something to your family or society. Be kind to yourself in words and actions when you succeed or fail.
9. Be aware of your fear of success and your fear of failure. Face all your fears and worries; don't panic. If you can't get over your fear, move forward just to spite it.
10. Tell people specifically what you need, want, and expect. People can't read your mind, but often they do want to help you.
decisions, decisions, decisions, decisions
update on my possible living situation. a young woman e-mailed me about a place to live in Mission Hills, CA. It sounds like a nice place to live, the rent is only $500/mo. plus one quarter of the utilities.
I'm impressed b/c they are all Christian teachers (all women). It is a five-bedroom house and I would be the fourth person. The woman who e-mailed me is involved in a church called "the Gathering Place." I looked it up on-line and this is the churches website.
I hate to be shallow, but a very important detail is how many bathrooms. let's be realistic: four women living together have to learn how to not fight over the bathroom in the morning. I forgot to ask how many bathrooms, but I assumed at least 2.5.
I like how these people approached me, b/c they are not, like, trying to manipulate me into living w/them, or anything. Instead they are pretty easy going about it. The only problem: I was thinking of transplanting myself in more of the Irvine, CA area, as they have a med school and university there. I thought that would be better than living close to UCLA, another major med school. I have absolutely no desire to live in the city of Los Angelos at this point.
3-year-old girls kicking my butt
one of my least favorite duties in the E.R. where I work, or at least one of the most difficult duties I am called upon to do, is restraining kids when they need stitches. I've discovered that I have the most difficulty with little girls around the age of three.
the problem is, they are not old enough to understand what we are doing, when the worse part is over with (the "numbing medicine" injection), etc. So they are pretty much terrified the entire 10-15 minutes when the doctor or nurse is suturing them, and they never calm down, instead they fight against the process the entire time.
so, last night all I had to do was hold the head of a little three-year-old girl who had slipped in the bath and had a laceration to her chin--the rest of her body was [somewhat] restrained in a papoose, which is kind of like a straight jacket for kids who need stitches. She fought against us the entire ten minutes the doctor was suturing her chin and she never calmed down once. these kids when they have adrenalin! they are as strong as oxes.
after the doctor had completed the stiches in about ten minutes, I felt like I was in
muscle failure. My entire body was like a weak noodle, my arms where sore and had no energy left, my leg muscles were shaking and felt almost like they couldn't support me anymore--I think it was all because of this little girl's super-human strength!
closing comment: at least the little girl's mom was cool. She wasn't panicked at all when her daughter was spazing.
"snatched"
A few weeks ago, one of the residents at the urology practice that I was just being introduced to made the comment, and I quote, "You seem like such a sweet woman, I can't believe you haven't been snatched up yet."
snatched meaning in marriage
I was soooo embarrassed when he said that that I think I blushed for 45 minutes, and it's funny because usu. I would only blush/feel embarrassed when some guy would make a compliment on my body, but instead the compliment was on my personality and I felt like I nearly died of embarrassment. whew, was it embarrassing.
note from the E.R.
am blogging from the E.R. right now, as I have not had internet access at my apartment for almost two months or so, thus I have not been able to blog as much as I wanted to.
at one point in the afternoon, the E.R. was down to one, I repeat, ONE patient. it was awesome. I have never, ever seen the emergency room where I work in at a state like this, esp. because it was a Saturday AND in the summer, which is usu. super busy. One of the residents was so pleased he said that if we were able to clear out all of the patients on a Saturday afternoon, that he would streak across the E.R. Thankfully we got some more patients and it didn't come to that.
Update on my move to CA: I have one offer from a Christian website of sharing a 5-bedroom house w/three other people, I assumed all female, in the Mission Hills area. (now, is that area smoggy?) The rent would be $500/mo., plus one quarter of the utilites including the price of a bi-weekly maid. wow, I have never had a maid before, but I definitely wouldn't mind. Also, they have a hot tub. and I really love hot tubs.
Initially, the offer did not appeal to me, since it was sharing w/3 other people, and I was really only looking for one other roommate, I'm a super-introverted chick. I guess I could consider it though.
Oh no again
One of the doctor's wives that I work with downtown asked, "Would you be interested in going out with a very nice young man?" I didn't know what to say, because I didn't want to sound like a snob with my "I only date Christian men," so I said "um, sure." Then she said, "well, be sure to write me down your last name and your phone number," which I completely avoided doing all day yesterday.
quote from Jen in Nicaragua
I don't even know if I spelled Nicaragua correctly, but I have a friend there doing a "Discipleship Training School," or D.T.S., with the YWAM. She e-mailed us an update with a quote.
"Show me your friends, and I'll show you your future." I liked it.
two paths diverged in a wood...
I've never felt that I am "going my own path" as much as when I went over to my dad's house last night, after telling him the day before about moving to CA in October. And not geographically moving my own path, rather, the fact that I am a Christian and traveling w/Jesus, as oppossed to my father, who does not make any space in his life for Jesus.
what's interesting is: my dad thinks that I am foolish for following the Jewish carpenter, however, I think
he's foolish for not following Jesus. It's a bit contradictary.
And if someone wants to know if God is real, he should pray every day for 30 days that God will reveal himself to that person. and I bet God would take him up on that request.
told mom
I told my sister and my mom today that I was planning to move. My younger sister, of course, was super encouraging. She even mentioned that she was thinking of doing the same thing as soon as she finished her p.t. internship and passed her test; she wanted to move to Hawaii (of course!), Arizona, or California. A classmate of hers from physical therapy school moved to Arizona and is making $40/hr, and she just bought her own condo. not bad.
I told my sister during my lunch break and we had a good discussion about it. I was dreading telling my mom though. Clearly, she was not going to embrace the idea, and I also, I think she takes it a bit as personal rejection that I want to move 2,000 miles away.
At first I thought I would give my family 6 weeks notice, and tell them sometime in mid-August. Then I decided I should tell them now, I don't know if it was prompting for the Holy Spirit or what. I figured that if my mother was going to get super upset, then it is better for her to be super upset now, because then by three months time she will come to acceptance about it.
She was more positive initially than I thought she would be, but then she began to talk about how "all the people in California are nutcases." She said, "that's no place to meet a man." (my gosh, it's not my quest in life!)
My younger sister today said something really profound though, I mean, I thought it was really good for her to say that. I was asking her, because I knew my parents were not going to like the idea of me moving, and she said something along the lines of--they (my parents) can offer their opinions, (and I know they will!) but you have to be happy for yourself.
yup, I believe that's true. : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : )
drive thru
I would like to be able to go through the drive thru for some things. Like, go through the drive thru and order, "One loving husband, please!"
"Sure, that will be $1,000, please pull around."
Also, If I do do e-harmony, as my mother suggested--can I just order what I want? like, is that the point of e-harmony--I put in my expectations and get matched with someone who has similar expectations? That would be convinient.
I'm seriously considering doing e-harmony, I'm just waiting until after I move to CA and get a job, etc. Otherwise, I think e-harmony could distract me.
I've always considered internet dating to be sort of a "last resort," like if one can't meet anyone any other way, but I'm turning 28 next week, (my gosh!), so I guess I'm beginning to get to that point, not that I'm totally desperate yet, but I am beginning to wonder.
have been down and out
today, I don't know what happened at work. I think that this introverted chick (me) had a "people overload." Or was it about other things, I can't even figure it out completely... I think it may qualify as a nervous breakdown.
Usu. I really love working Fridays, because the doctor there is very friendly and nice. Very easy going. (the last two Fridays, he has even bought us lunch for the entire office, since we didn't have drug lunches). However, this a.m., one of the other doctors, who I like the least, was there. He said he was "trying to get rid of his patients for the weekend" so the doctor on call wouldn't have to deal with them, or whatever.
First of all, I will back up a bit, I arrived at the office at quarter to 9. No one was there, so I had to wait outside, with several patients who were already lined up for the doctor. They start lining up half an hour before the office even starts to see Dr. V., like he's God or something.
About ten minutes later, another office employee arrives, Miriam, who is very nice and helpful, her husband was an M.D. before he died of cancer eight years ago. Also, the doctor that I do not like that much arrives. And one of the first thing he says to me, "Kathy's not here, can you make coffee?" when I have about one thousand things to do, like I said, the patients are already lined up at the door.
I think I would have been fine, this whole entire day, if the doctor that I didn't like hadn't shown up. Usu. I only have to deal with him for 3 hours on a Tuesday, so I can survive.
What really bugs me, was that Wednesday, I came into work, when I should have had a day off. Granted, I have worked this week Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, then Today, then I have to work 12 hours in the E.R. tomorrow.
And Wednesday, when I came in to work, it is the doctor that I don't like who is there having office hours, AND he sexually harassed me with his comments.
The sad thing is that, he doesn't even realize how out-of-line his is. It's like he is socially inept, or something--he doesn't realize that there are certain things you shouldn't say to female employees. I mean, I do think he is a good doctor and all, he just has a really big mouth, and he doesn't stop to think, "Maybe I shouldn't say such and such," instead he just says it without thinking first.
He said about how I am invited over to his house to his pool, but I have to wear a two piece swimsuit.
Anyone who reads this probably thinks that it's a tame comment, but the problem is that it is not the first time that he has said this. And he keeps driving home this issue to the point that I feel it is sexual harassment. AND he's totally clueless that he shouldn't be speaking this way to female employees. I mean, if I was at a bar, and some guy said that to me, I would just be like "whatever" but because this man is my boss, I don't think that he should be heckling me over my body. (Not that I go to bars. for precisely that reason.)
I mean, the first time he mentioned this thing--of being invited over to his pool but I have to wear a two-piece--it didn't really bother me. But the fact that he brought it up a second time, and made such a big deal over it, so that the entire office heard his joke, bugged me.
If anyone has any advice of what I should do, I would appreciate it. I just don't know how to deal with this doc because he is totally clueless that anything he says hurts feelings.
