Christian Women in Leadership

Sandy's answers

I posted this e-mail on my previous blog that I started June '04, but it doesn't exist anymore. Then I was reading a post on Pale City Stars, which reminded me of Sandy's answers, and I decided to post it on this blog.

I don't have everything figured out, but I thought this was wisdom beyond her years, as my friend is *four* years younger than me.

Hi Julia,
What is it like to be married... that's an interesting question, one I haven't
had to articulate in depth yet. I know that it is hard to believe. But being at
Middlebury last year and working with the students who knew both of us as
students,whenever I was asked, I gave the simple oh it's great answer. I don't
even know why, maybe because a lot of our friends/students were single and
seemingly anti dating or at least anti cute mushy stuff. I also felt like they
could not relate and did not really care for my in depth explanation of what it
really IS like to be married.

But I decided to think about your question and try to come up with a better
answer. Both of your benefit (I am assuming that since you asked, you want to
know more than "it's great" and for mine-- maybe this will force me to
categorize things and put them to words. So hopefully I won't lose you (or
myself) in my thoughts.

The bottom of the line is that it really is great. There are a ton of great
things about it ranging anywhere from the material (2 incomes, one rent, food
for 2 costs almost as much as food for 1...) through every day companionship (it
is nice to have someone to talk to, do stuff with, laugh with, mess aound
with...) to the spiritual and emotional (it's nice to know that there is
somebody who sees me every day and knows about my weird habits (and even thinks
that i am weird in some ways), but who despite all of that has decided to stay.
And not only that, who loves me for my weirdness. it's nice to share dreams and
plans about the future. it's nice to know with reasonable probability that I
won't be alone. And it is definitely nice to have somebody pray for me and
challenge me and point out ways in which I can be a better person. (well, the
last one is better once I actually do become a better person, it's not that
great to be told-- even in nice words-- that you are a jerk :-) )

Now, the above are all the things that pretty much everyone wants and hopes
for-- to be loved and accepted. But they don't always happen and in many cases
married people are way more miserable in the relationship than they would be
alone.

I think some reasons for that are found in people's personalities. We know this
couple who got married pretty much the same time we did and they always seem to
have little agruments and fights. They both love God and each other, but they
are both such strong personalities and perfectionists and need to have things
their way or be convinced that the other was is better that they always seem to
be "discussing" something. It can be anything from where to invest their money
to what size of garbage bag should be put inthe trash can. It would drive me
nuts, but they both seem to thrive in that.
We are lucky in that we are both pretty easy going, flexible people, we have
our things that we are tense about, but so far they have been different things
for both of us, so we have managed to calm each other down.Also, by getting
married right after school and by my family never having much money (and mike's
family having more money, but not spending it on stuff), we never had the
opportunity to get stuck in our own ways or have preconceptions of what the
"minimal standard" should be. Ie the fact that we still don't have a bed and are
sleeping just on a matrace and that most of our furniture comes from yard sales
genuinelly does not bother either one of us. Is also helps that we have not been
desparately strapped for money yet.

Anyway, I would say that the probably most impoirtant things are 1. having
realistic expectations, 2. Having faith in the other person, yourself and God
that things will work out and 3!!!!! communication.

By 1. I mean what a lot of pre marriage books told and and we find true--
marriage is not going to fix all your problems and is not going to change the
other person. Even before I started dating Mike I did a bunch of therapy to
figure out my life-- not for Mike, but for myself. And I felt like even before
we started dating I was a reasonably happy and confident person. not just
pretending to be confident, but confident in my own abilities and in who I was
in God. And that was huge, because I never had any expectations on Mike or the
relationship to make me happier and to give me whatever else.

2. It pretty self explanatory. You have to have faith, even whenyou are not
100% sure, you have tomake a decision and go with it. I could be asking a bunch
of what if.. questions. like what if I went to grads school and studied
politics. Could I have been happier.. maybe. But I did not, I made by choice and
by dwelling in the "what if land" I would only be misarable. And even when
things get tense (and they do in every relationship) it is important for us to
remember that God is in control that he did call us to go through life together
and that we are playing on the same team.


3.The probably the most important thing for us has been communication. All the
marriage books talk about it and it has been tru for us in practice as well. And
we have to keep reminding ourselves that we can't expect the other peron to read
our mind. In fact, pretty much the only time we have fought is when we weren't
talking about something and it just built up. I think it is a good lesson for
all relationships.

Let's see there are a few other things that we have been doing. Things like
keeping our own friends, making sure we have time alone, doing things together
with people as a couple and getting out of the house. All pretty general things,
but sometimes stuff you forget to do. Especially I do, because I naturally like
to be at home.

The probably hardest things in marriage (and this has been true for both of us)
is keeping out mquiet times and praying regularly. It came as a total surprise,
but it has been really hard. The only way I can explain it is that before it was
me and God alone a lot of the time. But now when Mike is around all the time, I
am more likely to talk to him and vent out my frustration to him than going to
God. We are both working on getting better, but that seems to be the only sort
of constant struggle.

Holy cow! I have just written a book about marriage. I'd better stop. I have no
idea if I answered you question and if you want to know anything more/specific,
please feel free to ask. (ready for the risk of reading another volume of my
thoughts ;-)
But to sum up, I think marriage is a great thing IF you are with ther right
person, are in it for the right reasons (often to give rather than to receive)
and if you are flexible (or allow God to relax you) to put up with another
person in your life.

How is life going for you?

Take care,
Sandy

posted by the princess @ 7/27/2005 10:27:00 AM